It Only Hurts When I Blog

Well, Hello There! Let's see if I can get a posting done.

I want to write down a few funny work/business related stories before I forget them!

I’ve never had a bad performance review, but I have seen a few ‘interesting suggestions’ from my managers in the review process:

(You know who you are but you don’t have to admit it)

One year I whistled too much at work. Yes, it was on my review. I guess being happy in your work is just unappreciated.

One year I used bold font too often on my status report. Yes, it was on my review.

Now that I'm unemployed, I can use all the bold font I want to on my blog. So there.

A comment about one manager given by another manager… ‘If you work for her and you blow your nose you have to write it down on your status report.’

At the first computer company I worked for, a couple was known as the ‘Parking Lot Lovers’. They’d go out at lunch and spend the better part of an hour ‘having a grope’ in one or the other’s cars in the parking lot. We’d gather at the windows to watch (some people brought binoculars). Didn’t they realize that everyone could see them, or was that intentional? Get a room, people!

A guy who worked with me there had the most rotten luck of anyone I have ever worked with. And, he had to tell ME all his problems. After relating medical issues (specifically catching an STD), a later bad marriage, car trouble and car accidents, one day his car (with no symptoms) caught on fire and burned up in the company parking lot.

Another company I worked for in the 80’s was only a few miles from the beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was a huge distraction for us on beautiful days. I remember calling my manager once (just once?) that I was taking vacation time and not returning to work that day.

I remember going to a database conference in Florida and witnessing several of the presenters ended up in the pool with their business suits on, not their bathing suits.

At that same conference, attendees were walking off with bottles of liquor smuggled in their suit jackets. They even stole the pink flamingos that had been set up as ‘theme decor’. Sounds a bit out of control, doesn’t it?

I worked for a couple years in the 80's as a contractor at the Newport Navy Base doing 'a little light anti-submarine warfare'.

There was a big sign as you entered and checked in with the gate guard that said 'What have you done for the Fleet today?' Every morning I would answer (out loud) the sign with 'I showed up, didn't I?'.

In those days - everyone smoked, including me. Good thing, because if you weren't a smoker you absolutely could not have taken a breath in there from all the secondhand smoke. We worked in a 'pit' with no windows, ONE exit, no ventilation and 4 foot thick walls.

Our favorite OD (Officer of the Day) was a HUGE guy named D.V.
D.V. was German or Swedish or something like that. He used to sing this little song over and over under his breath as he made his rounds that went something like this - 'Ooompha Ooompha, Ya, Ya, in da back seat of da Vol-vo'. Quite fetching.

One of my managers (P.C.) at the Navy Base would turn beet red and VIBRATE, I mean physically SHAKE whenever he was upset. He had to make lifestyle changes later in life to control his blood pressure.

There was a tech guy - Pete (I can't remember his last name to do the initials), that ALWAYS made P.G. upset, without even meaning to.

Pete was just doing dumb things all the darn time! A few Pete-isms...

We asked him if he knew what a petticoat was. He said it was french for 'a small coat'. Good grief.

He could never FIND anything, misplacing anything he was given to work on (including important documents) and never finding it again.

Pete's job was fixing things. He 'fixed things', sometimes badly. He was using a soldering iron one winter day and left it carelessly sticking out from a table, and still on. P.G. burned a big hole in his new down jacket that his wife gave him for Christmas. That was the first time I saw someone who had murder in his eyes.

R.G. was a retired Navy guy who was contracted to the base. He wouldn't open the 4 foot thick bank-vault door for me until I answered one of his awful knock-knock jokes. Here's one I remember - 'Knock Knock. Who's there? Emerson. Emerson who? Emerson nice lookin' legs you got there, honey'. Another classic from R.G. 'Is that skirt felt? Would ya like it to be?'

There was a little guy named J.S. who was always talking about retirement. He annoyed most people because the entire time you spoke with him he would jingle the change in his pockets. Nervous habit.

They were a very politically incorrect bunch, but it was the 80's and that's how it was back then! They were really nice to work with, and I remember them all fondly, jokes or no.

Maybe I'll write down more stories another time... TTFN! Have a nice day!